what if ?

current music: In Treatment opening theme.
So I was just sitting here thinking with my clorox-bleached mind, about all the what if's in life.
You've got the what if I died my hair x y and z colors? would that look terrible?
What if I lost an arm tomorrow?
What if I never get into that grad school?
What if someone is lying to me, or they find out I'm lying to them?
And then with all these what if's I realized , ew....these are all very negative what if's. This made me feel really awful inside, like my heart was just this dark pessimistic place and that all my concerns were disingenuous. How can that be? I care for lovely things right? I mean that magnolia tree made me smile today, as did the puppy in the park so...how can it be so that I ponder only the possibilities of loss and consequences of certain actions. I certainly do not! I think happy thoughts as Peter Pan taught me.

And the the biggest what if hit me: Perhaps I'm not as negative as I convince myself in the moment to be, and what if everybody else, is "what-iffing" the same things as me?

It's important to seperate daily troubles for chronic nerousis. In fact most of the things we find to be dangerous when we think them in our minds, are quite normal, and human. This is the basis of why I belive life presents itself with drama and difficulty-because we display ourselves "out there," out there in the world as if we were carved by Michelangelo himself. Just so that even our detached limbs would behold this anceint perfection. The worries we hold are defined so exctly by what centuries have taught us to be artful and wonderful. Yet in truth not all that lives in us is so consistent and precise. No, this human race so much more clearly resembles a slice of Lichtenstein's art, one with smooth and rough edges, tears streaming down her face, but BOLD BOLD colors.
Our imperfections...our imperfections- <cue Applause>

If you were a pile of distressed tissues, a gaint golden temple, some extra CO2 floating around my veins- what if I liked you all the same? Guess what, I would, I do.