I'm at coffee tree. Finally finished chapter 3 of ORGO. Had a great convo with my Dan while he roamed for food before the end of his work day!
This morning was awful. I felt like I woke up with a fever. Just couldn't get the cover all the way around me. My nerves spiked too because of the practice exam I'm taking tomorrow. I did finally feel better after taking some Ibuprofen. So after watching a truly inspirational movie- Something The Lord Made, I began feelin' better. Then moods went down again because I learned my parents miss me as much as I do them. Nothing in theory is wrong with that at all, except I wanted this to be a fantastic vacation...and it's funny and stupid too how often vacations end up sucking big time. Fudgscile I need to write and email concerning my criminal background check and camp counseling...brb.
k back...
So yea, the movie was sooooo cool and it came on T.V. right as I was beginning to worry about how my life my go to the shitter and I may never be a doctor. I don't think my life could go down the shitter IF I DONT become one...it may go down regardless. There's no need to explain that is there? We get stressed and imagine stupid scenarios....and mostly for me, I don't even imagine them in detail. I just feel bad feelings and have this broad bad ideas that raise my blood pressure. And it makes sense too because I find that it's lack of knowledge that's truly scary. In my opinion, you're more stressed if you have a bump in your neck and you haven't gone to the doctor than if you have a bump and know it's lymphoma and you caught it early and it will be cured. So yea, to cure my little breakdown, I dragged my ass out of the house. Rolled down the windows and took the LONG way to Coffee TRee-Shadyside. I believe that a single moment can be the driving force for the moments to follow-easily. And when the driving force is the 2 minutes of a song, it sticks with you even longer. For me 2 minutes of BitterSweet Symphony served as my driving force for the last 3 hours here at CTR. The wind in my hair-I became Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions except I wasn't redeeming myself from that dark place you're in after a loved one died....I was saving myself from insanity caused by boredom and self indulgence. That's really the worst kind of pain...pain that is totally self perpetuated and gives you no one else to point a finger at. It makes you feel pathetic really. I guess my only point here is thank God for music and the one thing you can rely on in life-your bottomless stomach of strength. Really. People can dig themselves out of any grave....even people who kill people...it just depends on the circumstances and your own will. Will is always there I think but it's fricken' hard to access the harder you beat it into the ground.
So anyway I lovee me my CP horoscope today and I'm going to write all of them in this blog so when I have nothing creative to say, I can blog about THAT!
Here it goes, JUly.21.2010:
oh by the Beautiful bob bRezsny may I add....
"According to Hawaiian mythology, the soul leaves the body during the night to seek the adventures known as dreams" (<--Inceptionnn!! I knowwww!! and yea none of the other signs have dream talk so yea that's me feelin' all special today!)..."The place of departure and re-entry is the "soul pit" (lau'uhane), which is located in the tear duct of the eye. During hate next few nights, I'd love for you to send your soul flying out through your soul pit for some daring exploits that will revitalize your lust for life. Take your backlog of stored-up tears along with you, and pour them down like rain on the secret garden you've been neglecting. The garden will respond to the downpour with a big growth spurt."
So in response let me say these things:
Prior to reading this I:
*Talked to numerous people about how my mothers plants are dying...how it's all my fault and how stupid I feel that I've had no time to do a simple thing like water them. Perhaps I've been brooding over the wrong garden.
*I also bursted into tears for a quick 10 seconds after hanging up with parents. I did this because I miss them, and imagined life without them, thought I'd should be thankful, and hoped for strength to be able to deal with this world on my own. (not like I don't need loved ones...I do...but inner strength and self reliance even moreso, is also something to work on....and not something you really think about a lot until you're ALONE!)
*And the tear duct thing? Hahaha...I need to say, when Bob throws in an anatomical term of any sort...it makes me feel better about life and my pursuit of science....and when he weaves it with such beauty in the most artful way, it's like the creative part of my mind also gets a big hug.
Now the tough question...what is it really I should be working on? That I'm not already working on? How much more do I need to cry to feel better?
I'm predicting the next time I cry, I'll either a) finish my Paris song or b) understand another MCAT concept. yay, nay? ;)
I do remember discticly crying in the past and then doing something really productive afterwards....it really is theraputic....Did you know the chemical makeup of our "my doggy just died tears" differs from "happy I love this movie tears" and "Oh best friend you mean so much to me" tears?
coool stuff.
ok gotta craft and watch movies with Jenny!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Inception
I loved inception sooooooooo much. It practically paralyzed me. I was actually concerned about driving afterwards. "Is this life real? Am I real? Is this car real? Can I drive? If I crash will I die, or will I wake up....can I be wreckless???" and it was about 2am when it ended soo...."I'm quite dreamy and sleepy myself."
It seemed out of this world but really I think we underestimate the power our subconscious has over us....even though I our consciousness does an great job of actively ignoring it. No really. I'm sure I make a lot of decisions and feel a lot of things based on pure emotion, but that emotion is driven by everything my mind understands up until that point. Doesn't the conscious deal with the present here and now primarily? I want to blog tonight and listen to Edit Piaf because I like it, I got it at the library today and I'm not quite ready to sink my teeth into orgo chem....but...I just know my subconcious played a role in all this...these things I'm doing right now. I'm feeding some sort of need that is not at the forefront of my mind as I'm consciously acting upon about my feelings here and thinking about the brain, and falling in love with sounds from a time period I know very little about. This is the past and the present behind hashed out here as I deal with my present emotions and dream about understanding myself a little bit more. And a a huge percentage of who I am and how I feel right now is a compilation of moments in my past. Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yea... to me, inception was a lot more about putting something into someone's brain. It was about a big part of this natural world feeling alien. Watching our desires float between the cloud of discovery and the cloud of certainty. Discovering something new and escaping into an unknown, and reminding ourselves of what has defined us up until this moment. And how do we feel about challenging it? And how much power to we have to make a move, a full move into the uncertain future without regard of the past. And according to this movie (in my head) it's extremely hard to to do this. That is because our memories are strong and whatever we build anew will be based on all we've already seen. Don't we love those scenes that seem to capture something totally never seen before but that we, the past-clingers created? When Ellen Pages character is shifting the dream world and playing with mirrors and folding the planet, the city , onto itself...and all the while the sun continues to light the bubble she's created. My brain goes WTF!!! And then I know that's happened to me in my own dreams.
Once I ranted on, and on, and on about a dream, slowly scooping out the details I could remember out of my head...and the more I thought the more I remembered and the more I talked and talked. And I was very passionate. Then I couldn't remember a portion and became very frustrated and sad. And then someone asked me why it was so important that I remember my dreams? In Inception, someone asks Cob why is it so important he dream at all. The answer he gave didn't flicker off anything particularly strange in me, but boy did the question make me shake...just like "Why is it so important you remember" shook me that one day. Why would someone ask me that?!?!! I felt as though someone was asking me why is so important you breathe, except in this case I couldn't snap back with an instinctive answer. That was because I couldn't answer that question myself. I had no idea why I cared so bad. I didn't care that anyone knew. Just that I knew. This movie has reminded me that I care because it is our subconcious that sets us free. I'd love to go on about the science behind this and the reasons why our minds are built in this peculiar and seemingly 'special' way...but I actually don't know it at all..the science and reason...I haven't a clue. But there's gotta be something about that part of the brain. In my dreams, I know the answers to impossible questions, my instincts lead my down the most adventurous paths, my desires are unleashed and chase after things I myself in real life would never chase, I write creative stories, I weave crazy plots, there are detailed events and characters, there are particular images I've never seen...I steal, I love, I get killed and I myself kill. And when I awake, I do feel rather impressed with what's up there, and I sit and wonder why I can't behold such wild thoughts in my waking hours. It's about being inside yourself. You aren't coming up with something out of nowhere, but your mind is a in a particular somewhere place inside you where your thoughts go un-interupted by the biggest thing I think that governs our reality which is time. Your dreams seem endless don't they? And they don't follow a linear pattern like every-day life. I love it i LOVE it and I love other people's dreams and recounting my own. Hearing about a mind un-bound by anything is so great because it's when we assume THAT kind of position in real life, in our waking hours, that we make the most of ourselves and produces the best work, and give the best love. These moments are made extra special and tend to stay with us as moments that change our lives because they are sooo freaking rare.
Well maybe I'll continue this later...right now I can feel time stealing me away so I must retire to the desk. But I encourage myself to never ever question the importance of dreams ever again and to look forward to the day I turn my dreams into reality and by that I don't mean make the events in my dreams a reality, but bring forth the state of mind in my dreams into my reality so that I can create something out of my instinctive will of heart and pure imagination.
It seemed out of this world but really I think we underestimate the power our subconscious has over us....even though I our consciousness does an great job of actively ignoring it. No really. I'm sure I make a lot of decisions and feel a lot of things based on pure emotion, but that emotion is driven by everything my mind understands up until that point. Doesn't the conscious deal with the present here and now primarily? I want to blog tonight and listen to Edit Piaf because I like it, I got it at the library today and I'm not quite ready to sink my teeth into orgo chem....but...I just know my subconcious played a role in all this...these things I'm doing right now. I'm feeding some sort of need that is not at the forefront of my mind as I'm consciously acting upon about my feelings here and thinking about the brain, and falling in love with sounds from a time period I know very little about. This is the past and the present behind hashed out here as I deal with my present emotions and dream about understanding myself a little bit more. And a a huge percentage of who I am and how I feel right now is a compilation of moments in my past. Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yea... to me, inception was a lot more about putting something into someone's brain. It was about a big part of this natural world feeling alien. Watching our desires float between the cloud of discovery and the cloud of certainty. Discovering something new and escaping into an unknown, and reminding ourselves of what has defined us up until this moment. And how do we feel about challenging it? And how much power to we have to make a move, a full move into the uncertain future without regard of the past. And according to this movie (in my head) it's extremely hard to to do this. That is because our memories are strong and whatever we build anew will be based on all we've already seen. Don't we love those scenes that seem to capture something totally never seen before but that we, the past-clingers created? When Ellen Pages character is shifting the dream world and playing with mirrors and folding the planet, the city , onto itself...and all the while the sun continues to light the bubble she's created. My brain goes WTF!!! And then I know that's happened to me in my own dreams.
Once I ranted on, and on, and on about a dream, slowly scooping out the details I could remember out of my head...and the more I thought the more I remembered and the more I talked and talked. And I was very passionate. Then I couldn't remember a portion and became very frustrated and sad. And then someone asked me why it was so important that I remember my dreams? In Inception, someone asks Cob why is it so important he dream at all. The answer he gave didn't flicker off anything particularly strange in me, but boy did the question make me shake...just like "Why is it so important you remember" shook me that one day. Why would someone ask me that?!?!! I felt as though someone was asking me why is so important you breathe, except in this case I couldn't snap back with an instinctive answer. That was because I couldn't answer that question myself. I had no idea why I cared so bad. I didn't care that anyone knew. Just that I knew. This movie has reminded me that I care because it is our subconcious that sets us free. I'd love to go on about the science behind this and the reasons why our minds are built in this peculiar and seemingly 'special' way...but I actually don't know it at all..the science and reason...I haven't a clue. But there's gotta be something about that part of the brain. In my dreams, I know the answers to impossible questions, my instincts lead my down the most adventurous paths, my desires are unleashed and chase after things I myself in real life would never chase, I write creative stories, I weave crazy plots, there are detailed events and characters, there are particular images I've never seen...I steal, I love, I get killed and I myself kill. And when I awake, I do feel rather impressed with what's up there, and I sit and wonder why I can't behold such wild thoughts in my waking hours. It's about being inside yourself. You aren't coming up with something out of nowhere, but your mind is a in a particular somewhere place inside you where your thoughts go un-interupted by the biggest thing I think that governs our reality which is time. Your dreams seem endless don't they? And they don't follow a linear pattern like every-day life. I love it i LOVE it and I love other people's dreams and recounting my own. Hearing about a mind un-bound by anything is so great because it's when we assume THAT kind of position in real life, in our waking hours, that we make the most of ourselves and produces the best work, and give the best love. These moments are made extra special and tend to stay with us as moments that change our lives because they are sooo freaking rare.
Well maybe I'll continue this later...right now I can feel time stealing me away so I must retire to the desk. But I encourage myself to never ever question the importance of dreams ever again and to look forward to the day I turn my dreams into reality and by that I don't mean make the events in my dreams a reality, but bring forth the state of mind in my dreams into my reality so that I can create something out of my instinctive will of heart and pure imagination.
Monday, April 13, 2009
lies
It really makes me mad when "tags" lie. I type in relaxing, new age music into youtube and I expect nothing less- instead what do I get ? Crazy Trance music
Music is so empowering when it's good though. It's the true thing. I'm in love with it. I love it so much that I can't wrap my arms all the way around it because it's like my heart's so big for it, this volume fills my lungs opening up my breath and mind and I my arms are just too short to take hold. This is how I feel sometimes when I try to compose anything. I start with one phrase and get carried away and then ideas clash. I've recorded a bit I enjoy but need to edit, sort through and then think of more. Lyric writing is an even bigger feet. Poetry came very easy to me before, so I'm thinking instead of finding words to fit the song, I'll just write something poem-like and maybe that will inspire.
There are two kinds of people that make me feel truly jealous and truly happy- skilled physicians and talented musicians. I think I'd like to be both someday.
I can't decide whom I would have rather have had an affair with, Chopin or Debussy. Liszt was probably the most interesting looking of all-his music is spectacular as well.
I also discovered today that the Kidneys are amazing little jelly beans. They help us filter about 180 L of blood a day. The way they do monitor this is the coolest thing. A section of the kidney actually convolutes and twists itself in this special way....picture a yoyo, and blood is coming in at the yoyo, then throughout the string filtration and re-absorption is taking place, well the yoyo string is twisting and looping, and at one point it connects back to the yoyo's head, dedecting how much salt is in your blood, and actually saying "hey! yoyo faster ! or don't yoyo so fast!!!"
weird. how did we get this way?
Music is so empowering when it's good though. It's the true thing. I'm in love with it. I love it so much that I can't wrap my arms all the way around it because it's like my heart's so big for it, this volume fills my lungs opening up my breath and mind and I my arms are just too short to take hold. This is how I feel sometimes when I try to compose anything. I start with one phrase and get carried away and then ideas clash. I've recorded a bit I enjoy but need to edit, sort through and then think of more. Lyric writing is an even bigger feet. Poetry came very easy to me before, so I'm thinking instead of finding words to fit the song, I'll just write something poem-like and maybe that will inspire.
There are two kinds of people that make me feel truly jealous and truly happy- skilled physicians and talented musicians. I think I'd like to be both someday.
I can't decide whom I would have rather have had an affair with, Chopin or Debussy. Liszt was probably the most interesting looking of all-his music is spectacular as well.
I also discovered today that the Kidneys are amazing little jelly beans. They help us filter about 180 L of blood a day. The way they do monitor this is the coolest thing. A section of the kidney actually convolutes and twists itself in this special way....picture a yoyo, and blood is coming in at the yoyo, then throughout the string filtration and re-absorption is taking place, well the yoyo string is twisting and looping, and at one point it connects back to the yoyo's head, dedecting how much salt is in your blood, and actually saying "hey! yoyo faster ! or don't yoyo so fast!!!"
weird. how did we get this way?
what if ?
current music: In Treatment opening theme.
So I was just sitting here thinking with my clorox-bleached mind, about all the what if's in life.
You've got the what if I died my hair x y and z colors? would that look terrible?
What if I lost an arm tomorrow?
What if I never get into that grad school?
What if someone is lying to me, or they find out I'm lying to them?
And then with all these what if's I realized , ew....these are all very negative what if's. This made me feel really awful inside, like my heart was just this dark pessimistic place and that all my concerns were disingenuous. How can that be? I care for lovely things right? I mean that magnolia tree made me smile today, as did the puppy in the park so...how can it be so that I ponder only the possibilities of loss and consequences of certain actions. I certainly do not! I think happy thoughts as Peter Pan taught me.
And the the biggest what if hit me: Perhaps I'm not as negative as I convince myself in the moment to be, and what if everybody else, is "what-iffing" the same things as me?
It's important to seperate daily troubles for chronic nerousis. In fact most of the things we find to be dangerous when we think them in our minds, are quite normal, and human. This is the basis of why I belive life presents itself with drama and difficulty-because we display ourselves "out there," out there in the world as if we were carved by Michelangelo himself. Just so that even our detached limbs would behold this anceint perfection. The worries we hold are defined so exctly by what centuries have taught us to be artful and wonderful. Yet in truth not all that lives in us is so consistent and precise. No, this human race so much more clearly resembles a slice of Lichtenstein's art, one with smooth and rough edges, tears streaming down her face, but BOLD BOLD colors.
Our imperfections...our imperfections- <cue Applause>
If you were a pile of distressed tissues, a gaint golden temple, some extra CO2 floating around my veins- what if I liked you all the same? Guess what, I would, I do.
So I was just sitting here thinking with my clorox-bleached mind, about all the what if's in life.
You've got the what if I died my hair x y and z colors? would that look terrible?
What if I lost an arm tomorrow?
What if I never get into that grad school?
What if someone is lying to me, or they find out I'm lying to them?
And then with all these what if's I realized , ew....these are all very negative what if's. This made me feel really awful inside, like my heart was just this dark pessimistic place and that all my concerns were disingenuous. How can that be? I care for lovely things right? I mean that magnolia tree made me smile today, as did the puppy in the park so...how can it be so that I ponder only the possibilities of loss and consequences of certain actions. I certainly do not! I think happy thoughts as Peter Pan taught me.
And the the biggest what if hit me: Perhaps I'm not as negative as I convince myself in the moment to be, and what if everybody else, is "what-iffing" the same things as me?
It's important to seperate daily troubles for chronic nerousis. In fact most of the things we find to be dangerous when we think them in our minds, are quite normal, and human. This is the basis of why I belive life presents itself with drama and difficulty-because we display ourselves "out there," out there in the world as if we were carved by Michelangelo himself. Just so that even our detached limbs would behold this anceint perfection. The worries we hold are defined so exctly by what centuries have taught us to be artful and wonderful. Yet in truth not all that lives in us is so consistent and precise. No, this human race so much more clearly resembles a slice of Lichtenstein's art, one with smooth and rough edges, tears streaming down her face, but BOLD BOLD colors.
Our imperfections...our imperfections- <cue Applause>
If you were a pile of distressed tissues, a gaint golden temple, some extra CO2 floating around my veins- what if I liked you all the same? Guess what, I would, I do.
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